Mad Season

Of course. Of course NOW is when work decides to implement a policy requiring all employees to be here from 8:00am sharp to at least 5:00pm sharp, under threat of penalty if you don't comply, further cutting into my already minimal sleep schedule and forcing my morning commute into the busiest (and riskiest) possible window. Of course they'll add this on top of asking me to work one full-time position while spending at least 25% of my time training another full-time employee. On top of implementing a new work tracking system that EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE who is not a manager HATES. I already documented all of my crap; it's not my fault that no one else did! Now the "documenting" many times takes longer than the work itself, and what used to be a 5-15 minute job now regularly takes at least a week and a half, and oh, by the way, you'll be asked to work evenings or weekends almost every week too so that you can complete that 5-minute task when no one is using the system, BUT NO ONE WOULD CARE AND NOTHING WOULD BREAK IF YOU DID IT DURING YOUR 8:00-5:00 IMPRISONMENT ANYWAY. My users loved me because of my quick turnaround time on resolving issues, but now you're making me and the rest of the department look WORSE because you have to wait a week and a half to get a FUCKING FIVE MINUTE TASK DONE.

Of course work would dump all of that crap on my head NOW, when I'm only trying to deal with having just come as close as we've ever come to FINALLY becoming parents, and we even actually had two eggs fertilized, so technically we already are parents. But neither of our tiny babies survived. We were forced to say goodbye before we ever got the chance to say hello, and so we're mourning the hardest loss of our lives. And not only that, we're faced with the very real fear that we've already come as close to being parents as we'll ever get, so not only do we mourn the loss of our babies, we mourn the lifelong dream of parenthood that's at strong risk of dying soon too. Of course this would happen right when two other friends are announcing their happy first pregnancies, and right when the whole world decides to go insane over a #RoyalBaby that NO ONE FUCKING CARES ABOUT. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

God, I feel betrayed. I feel that You led us on, only to betray us. Like we're the victims of some cruel cosmic joke, and You don't care how much it hurts. I'm not turning my back on You, but I'm having an awfully hard time trusting You now, and I sure as hell don't understand the point and purpose of all of this crap. Why the FUCK, God? Why the FUCK, God? Why the FUCK, God, did our babies have to die? And how the FUCK is it better, and good, and right, that You should slam the door in our faces when we prayed for our baby's life, so that now we're crushed under this emotional weight that "heartbreak" doesn't even begin to cover. I'm not turning my back on You, but I sure as hell hate You every time my wife breaks down in tears again. You gave her to me, and I've done EVERYTHING I could, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY to try and take care of her the best that I could, only to have YOU crush her in a way that I can't help with at all, that I can't do ANYTHING to even begin to make better, and it seems that every time I try, I only end up making things worse still. You have brought to reality all of my worst fears, every single FUCKING thing that I prayed to avoid, and all for what? For what? So that You could take our babies away from us? How is that better than this? How is that good for us? How is that right? Why the hell did You answer one prayer to keep our baby alive, only to make it hurt that much more when You took them away 10 days later?

I don't understand, God, and I'm struggling with this harder than anything else I ever have. And I've got a hell of a family history including divorce, adultery, neglect, abuse, attempted rape/murder, and death, so that's saying one hell of a lot. This is the hardest thing that I've ever done, and it's even harder on my wife, and I just wish I knew what to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where we're going. The one thing I'm sure of is that I love my wife with every whit of my being, and nothing will ever, EVER change that. But that doesn't fix anything. That doesn't even make any of it easier. I miss our babies, and I FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING DISEASE, and I always vowed to defend my wife from anyone that would even try to hurt her. I never expected it to be You, God.

I'm exhausted. I'm mourning. I'm terrified of the finality of trying and failing again, but the alternative is to give up and resign ourselves to staying in this place. So we can either stay here, or we can try to escape and end up back here again anyway. It's a hell of a choice, but any chance is better than no chance at all. I'm just terrified that it won't work, and that we will end up stuck in this place again. God, that's the one thing that keeps me clinging to You right now. I know that it's all still ultimately in Your hands. You can still get us out of this, and I hope that You do. I'm just terrified that You won't.

I wish I knew why we're here... though really, even knowing why wouldn't change where we are, so I'm not sure that knowing would do much good anyway. I really wish I knew where to go from here. But all that I can do is keep walking and pray that our faith is not in vain. That Your promises ARE real, and true. That You do have something better in store for us, but I sure as hell can't see it now. Just keep doing what I've always done with my wife, and that is to love her with every whit of my being, every day, in every way that I can.