One year past

366 days ago - thank you, Leap Day - and I was lying in a hospital bed awaiting the arrival of my surgeon about now. The following days and weeks would turn out to be much harder than I expected. The following year didn't turn out as we had expected or hoped, either. But in spite of all of the disappointments and the unexpected results, reality is that we ARE in a better place now than we were a year ago. So I don't regret it.

I've still got pain. The surgery that supposedly reduces or eliminates this pain for 89% of guys has still left me in the unlucky 11%. I still can't wear my old boxer briefs, or comfortably walk around naked for very long. I still have to keep my body temperature down, or the pain gets gradually and increasingly worse. If I ever have digestive issues, the pain radiates downward and gets intensely bad. Even wearing my new underwear, if I spend too many hours up and walking around in a day, the throbbing ache returns and builds. And the affected gland is still sore, still feels bruised to the touch pretty much all the time. Fortunately the throbbing/hurting on its own without touch has mostly stopped, though I'm not sure how much of that to attribute to true healing and how much of it is just the transition to cooler weather. The pain has gradually lessened over the past year, though I haven't noticed any further improvement over the last few months, so I expect that the level I have now is the level I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. Do I wish that the pain would go away, that I could somehow change it at least back to where it was before the surgery? Yeah, I do. But I DON'T wish that I hadn't gone through with the surgery. Even in spite of the consequences, I don't regret it.

I would regret if I hadn't tried. I would regret if I had refused the surgery, and we had never known if it would have helped or not. No matter what our ultimate result, I would regret if I spent the rest of my life wondering "what if? ...what if we could have reached the end of this journey sooner, or better, if I had manned up and gone through with it?" Even if it didn't bring the big changes we hoped for, I would regret too if we had missed out on the improvements we HAVE seen - testosterone did rise some on its own post-surgery, and morphology stepped up twice from 0 to 1 to holding at 2. That 2% may not be much, but should it ultimately come to IVF, it's that 2% that gives us a 100-150% shot at having a success within 2-3 cycles at most. THAT is hugely encouraging news, to both myself and my wife, and I would go through the surgery all over again today if that's what it took to give us that chance.

I won't be spending the next month on strict bed rest, but today is significant beyond just the surgery anniversary. Our first shipment of HCG injections - Pregnyl - arrives this afternoon, so we'll be starting those on Monday. Three shots a week, intramuscular, for three months, then it's another visit back to my old frenemy - the Collection Room. I'd be lying if I said I was thrilled about having more shots in the next three months than I've had in my entire life prior. But it's less scary than the surgery was - definitely. The doc says I'm the ideal candidate to respond well to these, and I have to believe that's true - if just the Clomid helped raise my testosterone as much as it did, then how much more could direct hormone injections help? It gives us a chance once more to avoid IVF altogether, which we've been hoping to avoid all along, so that's well worth trying. But even if that doesn't work out, and IVF becomes our next step, this ought to at least give us our best possible shot with IVF, too. And again, at least we're in a position now and armed with the knowledge now that, should it come to that, odds are overwhelmingly in our favor that we'll be looking at success well before next November 16 rolls around.

So how am I doing today? Apprehensive, about these injections. Reflective, on where I was a year ago. Not wanting to be at work, as I'm tired and work has been difficult to find concentration and motivation for over most of the last month. But I'm grateful that it's Friday afternoon. I'm grateful that I'm NOT today where I was a year ago right now. Grateful for the opportunities we've been given, for the hope we've been given, and still amazed and encouraged by the too-odd-to-be-coincidence nature of the entire recent chain of events.

"And the wonder of it all is I'm still standing

And the wonder of it all is we're still standing

Never planned it

And I wonder where I'll be next year"

-- Monday Morning, "Wonder of It All (Next Year)"