Male infertility book reviews

Back in October when we were first diagnosed with this, I soon began looking for infertility resources from and for a male perspective. I found a recommendation for one book, and came across a couple of blogs, but that was it. So I bought the book - "Overcoming Male Infertility" by Leslie Schover & Anthony Thomas - and while it's a great clinical book for potential diagnoses and treatments, the chapter on coping could be summed up as, "This is tough for guys to deal with. Do something about it or else you'll go nuts." I had already read a lot of the medical info online, so the coping portion was what I was most interested in, and that part was sorely disappointing. Fast forward to two months ago, and I joined Resolve's online forum, making an introductory post there. On that post, I mentioned the lack of resources for guys I had encountered, and a few folks recommended a few books I had never found or had overlooked. All told, four titles were mentioned, and I've now read all four.

First up is "Maybe Baby" by Matthew Miller. Miller writes for a living (newspapers), so he writes very well; his book is largely sourced from his relatively popular blog of the same name. His book is much more in line with what I was looking for when I first began searching for resources; rather than clinical, it's a first-hand personal account from the male half of a couple on their journey through infertility. However, even though Miller states "I am an infertile male" in the opening pages, the diagnosis for him & his wife is really more unexplained infertility than anything, so their situation differs from ours. Some of the emotions he expresses are very much things that I can relate to, and it's obvious that he loves his wife very much, so those are both points in his favor. But ultimately the book was much less helpful than I'd hoped it would be, because I mostly didn't relate very well to Miller, as I don't think we'd have much in common. First, he's an extrovert (which I'm not), and it seems he didn't have much trouble at all talking to others about their infertility struggle (which I do), so he never expresses the loneliness that many men in this situation often feel. Second, his personal life story is very unique - from being a 500-lb. teenager to a 30-something health nut & workout addict. Kudos to him for taking charge of his health, but I have never been in either situation, so I cannot relate to either extreme, and those are defining characteristics of his life. Third, he's openly and completely non-spiritual, whereas I am very spiritual, so he offers no helpful perspective at all in that regard. And finally, the book just seems unfinished; it ends as he & his wife are gearing up for their first round of IVF. I understand that not every infertility story necessarily needs to end with a baby, but regardless of the ending, I think Miller's book would have benefited from being written later on in their journey. He talks in the book about signing the book deal that would become the book, so the impression given is that it was published when it was due to publisher deadlines, rather than when the manuscript was actually ready, mature, and complete. Final word: "Maybe Baby" is not without value, and others may benefit from reading it more than I, but it was ultimately disappointing and could have been better.

Next is "What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting" by Marc Sedaka. Sedaka is a notable writer for television, which explains how they had the money for the 10 rounds of IVF, 10+ rounds of IUI, and all of their other infertility treatments listed on the back cover. Unrealistic availability of funds aside, Sedaka writes a book that aims to give men a better understanding of what their women are thinking and feeling as they deal with inferfility. This is a great idea and an important topic to address, but it came up a bit short for me in a couple of ways. First, while the diagnosis for Sedaka and his wife is again "unexplained infertility," the book seems to be primarily written for dealing with cases of female infertility; it says virtually nothing about male infertility, and nothing at all about how that particular diagnosis can and will affect your wife. Second, while I'm certain that some men will benefit greatly from reading & heeding the advice in this book, it strikes me as mostly "don't be a dick!" common sense. And relationship common sense. "Be open and honest with her, listen to her, be patient with and supportive of her even when she's dealing with emotions that you don't or can't understand." All good reminders, but nothing that years of striving to be a good husband hadn't taught me already. All in all, it's a very quick read (I finished it in one 2-3 hour sitting), so it's worth a look if you can find a cheap copy or (as we did) find it in your local library. Just don't expect life-changing insight.

Third is "How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup" by Greg Wolfe. Let me start by saying that this one is funny. VERY funny, in places, even though I at first resisted Wolfe's attempts at humor, as infertility is not a topic I've found myself often able to laugh about. Wolfe is a comedian by trade, so he's well suited to the kind of off-color, off-kilter take you'd expect from a book with a title like that. The book is not all laughs, however, as Wolfe knows first-hand just how difficult dealing with an infertility diagnosis can be. This is the first of these books in which the author's diagnosis is actually male factor infertility, so it's therefore unsurprising that the chapter entitled "Real Men Don't Cry (However, They Do Sometimes Quietly Sob into Their Pillows)" is one of the best bits of writing I've yet read about how men are affected by all of this stuff. He gets insightfully personal in many other places, as well, but it should be noted that this book's purpose is primarily informational, like "What He Can Expect..." but unlike "Maybe Baby." It should also be noted that a majority of this book's real estate is devoted to discussing the IVF process, which is great if that's what you're facing, but less helpful for couples who aren't there yet or who may not get there at all. I would say this is the best book of the three discussed thus far, especially for men dealing with male factor issues, but it still isn't entirely what I had initially set out hoping to find.

Saving the best for last, we come to "Swimming in Circles" by Michael Barr. Barr is another writer by trade, and he tells the story of the four-year road that he and his wife walked together in their quest to start a family. Like "Maybe Baby," this is a personal book, but unlike "Maybe Baby," this book hit home for me in areas where that one missed: Male factor diagnosis. Flawed, but relatable, protagonist. At least a touch of a spiritual view. And resolution to the story on the book's final pages. Like "Plastic Cup," this one also has a healthy sprinkling of gallows humor, which serves well to even out the heart-wrenching scenes when bad news inevitably arrives. Barr wrote the book as a means of coping with the struggle himself, and in an effort to impart hope to other guys like him - like myself - who may be facing similar struggles. It is an excellently told true story that I had genuine difficulty putting down, transporting me to see life through his eyes and leaving me feeling I had just watched a profoundly personal, first-rate film. This is the book I would recommend without qualification to any other guy on this infertility journey, and to the women who love them and who might want to understand their guys a bit better. It's a great story and a great read even if you're fortunate enough that you never have to deal with infertility a day in your life. I had given up hope that a book like this existed, but I'm deeply grateful to Michael Barr for proving me wrong.