Post-Op

I last posted 11 days ago - six days before my scheduled surgery. Now I'm five days past that surgery, and grateful that I feel well enough to post again. Still VERY sore, and frustratingly limited in mobility. But gradually getting better, bit by bit and day by day.

The days leading up to the surgery seemed to go by in a blur - maybe because we only had eight days notice from the time it got scheduled until I underwent the knife, so there was much to do in a short time to prepare. Thanks to a very understanding boss, fortunately, I was able to get things settled at work relatively easily, and thanks to a very understanding wife, we were able to get things ready at home. Both fortunately and unfortunately, the afternoon before my surgery was when my wife was scheduled for her final test with our fertility doc - good because at least it gave me something (and someone) else to focus on that day, but bad because I still felt horrible for having to put her through it. I felt even worse with how uncomfortable she felt after the procedure was over, and worse still because I knew she'd have to be taking care of me starting the next day. But my wife is amazingly strong and came through it like a champ, and we received the EXCELLENT news, and peace of mind, that once again her results came up 100% clean. As bad as I feel about this whole situation, I'd feel at least 1000x worse if I knew my wife was going to have to undergo treatments too.

So then it came down to me. We got to the hospital right at our scheduled time of 9:30, got checked in and only waited a few minutes before they called me up. Sent us back to the Outpatient Surgery center, then waited a few minutes more before the nurses took me back to get me prepped for the procedure. After getting my vitals, drawing my blood, starting a saline IV and answering a slew of health questions I had already answered many times before ("Do you have diabetes? High blood pressure?" "For the third time, no!"), they brought my wife back to send me off, then wheeled me out to urology. Where I sat. And waited. And waited. And waited. And I got irked, then waited some more. Then finally, an hour after we were supposed to get underway, my doctor finally showed up to answer any final questions I had. Then, three minutes later, he was gone. Two nurses showed up to put a "relaxing" drug in my IV, then wheeled me into the OR. I remember the room being very bright, with a slew of multi-eyed light fixtures like spiders on the ceiling. I remember the nurse looking at me upside down.

Then I woke up. In the worst pain of my life. The nurse in recovery asked me what my pain level was, and I muttered something about a six, but I probably should have said higher than that. My first question was, "The pain in the testicle is even worse than before surgery... is that normal?" She muttered something in the affirmative, told another nurse I never saw something about "give him the other 25 somethings of some drug," then tried to find my incision in all the wrong places (for which she later apologized) before she got it right. She asked again what my pain level was, and I muttered about a seven, to which she said, "Really?" and zipped off to find me a hydrocodone and a Coke. The drug showed up, then the Coke, then my wife, then about 45 minutes later, I dared to move enough to stagger to the restroom so I could pee and then take a wheelchair ride out of that place. Once home, I collapsed on the couch for a few hours, then very gingerly climbed the stairs to bed, and didn't come down again for three and a half days.

I had what was called an "inguinal varicocele surgery," or "inguinal varicocele repair." It's evidently the most invasive of the varicocele surgical options, with the longest recovery time, but it's also got the highest success rate and lowest chance of complications. So I'll take it. The bandage/dressing covered the entire left half of my pelvis, and we were instructed to leave it there for two days, but I was too drugged and too sore to care most of the time. Finally on Saturday morning, we got to remove it and I was excited to have my first post-op shower... but that excitement quickly turned to shock when I saw the incision itself. It's a full 4" long, below the waist but above the hip, and lined completely with blood. About three times the size I expected, and immediately I felt like a veal cutlet. At least we know now WHY I'm so sore.

But it's getting better, day by day. The incision site itself is still very sore, but fortunately we've seen no signs of infection or other complications from the surgery. I still need my wife's help every time I stand up or sit down, but the pain is lessening each day, and I'm gradually going longer and longer between pain pills. The affected veins in the scrotum... don't seem that much different than before, though likely not as swollen, and my urologist told me not to expect a huge change in that right away. What he didn't tell me to expect is the soreness and tenderness of the testicle itself, which is still worse than before the surgery... I wish I knew if that was normal. But we've got a call into the doctor's nurse, and from what we've looked up, it is indeed normal. So I'm mostly just trying to relax, trust in the healing process, and be patient. I'm out of work on doctor's orders until 12/1, then I go back for a follow-up with the doc on 12/7.

How am I doing? Besides sore, of course? It varies, I guess, with mood, which maybe varies with pain. I like to be Mr. Independent, so I hate leaning so hard on my wife for so much, but she's been absolutely golden in all of this. Getting mad at me for trying to do too much on my own, and for apologizing too much when I do ask for help, but I don't blame her. I couldn't do this without her, physically or emotionally, and I thank God for her many, many times each day. Sometimes I'm just frustrated at all I can't do, and starting to get a little stir crazy; even as an introvert, I still like to leave the house each day, and I haven't left now for almost five days, with several more days yet to come. A lot of times, honestly, I don't want to do anything but sleep - whether due to dizziness (caused by pain meds), or due to pain (requiring pain meds), or just general exhaustion (caused by healing a four-inch gash in my groin). I'm grateful that things have seemingly gone as smoothly as they have thus far, and EXTREMELY grateful for the help and support of my wife in all of this. Likewise from family and friends, to a lesser extent. But sometimes, too, I get depressed... looking in the mirror at a huge new scar, thinking "this is the new me," and wondering if things will ever heal, ever stop hurting, wanting to live like normal in my body again. I realize this is mostly the result of expecting too much, too soon. It's a lesson in patience for me, too.

So the doc didn't call us back today, but hopefully he will tomorrow. I'm feeling enough better already that I'm wanting to move around more, so I think it's time to move around again. Bit by bit, day by day. Hurting, but healing.